Anxiety, Self-Advocacy, and Promoting Yourself by Tracy Osborn

Hey everyone, I'm Tracy. I am so excited to be here. This is like coming home. I've been to many Jingle Cons over the years. And over the last few years I've been lucky to speak at a few Kichingo Kons. And now I'm here keynoting and my heart is so full. I'm so, so excited to be here. I put my put Daring not darling because if you want to contact me, I generally recommend to do it via Twitter. Or you can email me and back in the day when I was like, I'm gonna use the username Lime Daring, everyone in the world, including myself, constantly miss like mixes it up with Lime Darling So I put that up there at the very beginning, like you know, my mistake, but FYI, I'm lime daring on the internet.

So you might know of my books. Who here knows of my books? It's a pretty good dungeon. Yeah. I'm a big deal. I I wrote these, I self-published them, I designed them, which is pretty awesome. Keep kicking the laptop, don't do that. These are my books to introduce people to Django, largely the kind of the way that I introduce myself to Django. I wanted to, you know, I fell in love with Django as a web designer, started a startup, and decided to write these books to try to help more people to get into them and it's been Kickstarted. Thank you to anyone in the audience. If you are part of those Kickstarter campaigns, thank you so much for supporting me. If you bought the book, thank you, thank you, thank you

I'm in the process of writing a third book, FYI. That's uh if you've kickstarted this third book, it's teaching design for programmers. I will hopefully have an update very, very soon. I was hoping to have an update by Now, but long story short, um I don't have the release date. It's either going to be September or October. But FOI, there's a third Kickstarter campaign. Thank you to anyone who also backed that one. Now back to Hello Web App. FY, if you didn't know, because I'm working on this design book, Hello Web App, I took all the text and I put it on the website. The entirety of the book is on the website free online. So if you know of anyone who wants to learn more about Django or wants another resource for learning Django, you want to try something else out, and you want to look at Hello Web App.

It is free. Like please use it. You can still buy the paperback if you want. There's still videos. You can buy intermediate concepts, the second book. But the first book is online for anyone to use it and please do. That's why I do what I do. Just FYI, this is the other thing that I usually do. I've written books. I also run this startup. I'm not actually making money off on it. It's a whole other long story right now. But I have three people working under me that are being paid, and it's awesome. Full-time employees and This is the startup I've been running for say the last seven or so years. It's really cool to be back here at DjangoCon because DjangoCon 2011 was when I I first taught myself Django

to launch what was would turn into Wedding Lovely today. I did a talk. This is my first talk ever at a conference. Which is cool. Six years later, I went from talk to keynote, which is, you know, first talk to keynote at the same conference. Really, really awesome to be back here. Check out my hair. This recent haircut they cut off way too much and so I'm like really salty about my salt hair my short hair right now. And I looked at this and I was like, ah Last but not least, I do a lot of conference speaking now. This is my first keynote at Fluent, and you know it's a big deal when they have a giant projection of your face behind you. That's cool

And I spoke at DjangoCon Europe earlier this year, along with a bunch of other conferences. So that's that concludes the portion of my talk of here's why I'm awesome. You know, and y I'm kind of like a motivational speaker, which is funny because when I was a kid, I saw a lot of motivational speakers coming to me. my high school and I was just like, I want to be you. And they're just like, you know, blah my life is awesome and here's how your life can be awesome, which is kind of what I'm doing here. But the thing is when you're watching these motivational speakers, if you, if I, this is what I was, an introvert, high anxiety. Very, very shy kid. You see these motivational speakers and I wanted to be them. And

but it was there was this little voice in my head that was like, pfft, I can't follow their advice Because and these motivational speakers, these people have they know what they're doing. And they're always like that. You know those kids in like grade school? Those like awesome kids that know what they're doing and they're just like super ambitious and like outgoing and you're like oh yeah this motivational speaker they've always been like that they were those kids Time's up, I'm gone. Uh So, you know, when you see these motivational speakers and they're like, oh yeah, here's all this advice, and you might be thinking, oh yeah, that advice does not apply to me because I don't fit that mindset.

I'm not uh I'm not outgoing like them. I can't help promote like that because I'm an introvert and they're an extrovert. Like I have anxiety. You might think I have anxiety and the advice does not apply to me. The advice I have in this talk , I'm going to kind of go over my life because I am not an extra I might come up here and I sound like I know what I'm doing and that's been like five years of really hard work to get to this point. It's been really, really hard to get to this point. I was uh I was a really screwed up kid. I was I had a lot of of issues talking to people. I had a lot of uh bad thoughts about other people.

I didn't trust strangers. I didn't trust people. I'll get into that story in a second. And I wanted to start this talk out with this huge disclaimer of my life is like I'm gonna go into these like, oh yeah, here's some things you can do to improve your career and you know, become more outgoing. And it's not because I've always been outgoing myself. Like these are things that literally helped me get over these these issues I had growing up. So it's taken a lot of work to get to where I am right now. It's taken a lot of shortcuts. I've had to figure out a lot of tactics in order to get myself to be comfortable on stage, to be comfortable running a startup and fundraising the startup and writing a book and self-promoting that book. There's a lot of things I've learned over the last few years that have gotten to me to this point that have taken me from this like

really like you know shy mess up kid to where I am right now. So yeah, I'm gonna go into my little background story, let you know how it how I all got I came here. When I was two, my parents divorced and it was like two-ish. But like for me, basically, my parents were never never a unit. They were always separate people, lived in separate houses. And when they divorced, the courts at the time in the 80s, you know, it's you know mother and father. My dad was a wonderful, stable, stable person, very wonderful person. My mom, wh while she loved me very much, was an alcoholic with substance issues.

And unfortunately the courts at the time favor the mother. So my dad had the choice of either uh losing custody of me entirely and me living with my mom or to do this system of one year, one year off. One year with my dad, year with my mom, one year with my dad. when we were with my mom and that's what that was the best deal that my dad could get. So that was my life growing up. I was moving constantly and it wasn't like my mom stayed in the same town Because of her issues, we moved at least every year, sometimes multiple years. So, you know, growing up, it was going to my mom's in a new district. I lived all over the California Bay Area Constantly new schools, new friends, new bedroom, me and my suitcase

being transferred between parents in a a McDonald's parking lot in Vallejo. The strange thing is, is like with my mom, it was always a new school year or a new school dress, like new school district and new friends. But it was actually harder going back to my dad's because he was in the same place and I would go back to the school I was before and all my friends, all my friends from that two years before You know, everyone in the school knew who I was, but all of my friends had moved on. And so I had to remake new friends with this really weird, like Like knowing but not knowing like people had moved on and became comfortable. Like for my mom, like those years I was the new kid and people would seek me out, but for my dad I wasn't

I just wanted to bring this picture up because I have legit cowboys in my family. That's me and my dad. So uh when I was twelve, things were getting worse and worse and worse for me. My as I was growing up, I um it became harder for me to every year go out and make new friends. And start anew at you know in the new school. So at 12, I was back at my dad's and I just gave up. I decided I was not gonna have friends anymore Like it was it was just too hard. And also year 12, they're going through a lot of issues and I just I just couldn't handle it and I couldn't handle people And I distrusted everyone. I had this like mentality that all these kids in the school hated me and so why should I be friends with them?

And I would spend my my lunches in this little corner of of the quad like in this doorway of a teacher and she I remember her bringing me in and asking me is like Tracy do you have friends? Which is like lady isn't that obvious like why am I here? I probably was like, yeah, of course they do. Can I go back to eating my lunch alone now? About six months in this this one girl like took petty on me and she would I remember her coming up to me and being like like Tracy we are your friends and I'm like no you're not which is weird to respond to like respond with and she's like no really we're your friends like stop stop doing whatever you're doing And you know that low fantasy as kids do as they're walking together. And uh you always think to yourself, oh if I stop, everyone's just gonna keep on walking.

and no one's you know they don't even notice I'm there and I would do that multiple times and they would always turn around and be like uh Tracy come on what are you doing So like six months of giving up, six months of this this one girl deciding to make me her project and to reintroduce me. into having friends. But the this mental feeling about people, about distrust of strangers, is like this how hard it is to make friends of getting into groups and being completely scared and just shutting down. This is something I still struggle with to this day. High school was better for me. I I well at the end of that 12 uh 12 years old, end of my seventh grade, I told my parents I was not gonna move anymore, which is a really shitty thing for a kid to have to do to tell their mom and their dad, like tell your mom, I'm not gonna live with you anymore, I'm gonna live with my dad.

It was rough. But as soon as I stopped moving, I went from a D student to an A student. student. I started to get friends in high school. I was with the Misfits, listened to Tool, we played Dungeons and Dragons. High school was actually a really cool time for me. But moving moving to um uh It's fun. Moving to university, you know, leaving all this this group of people that I had I had collected, these people I felt safe with. University, my first year was I just way right back to my 12th year year old self. I went back to not trusting people, not making friends. And yet another year went with me not really making friends. I made one friend that year on my my dorm room like my next door neighbor And we ended up living together the second year and the second year I started making my friends of my own and she came up to me and she w

I was going out for like the first time. She's like, Tracy, you made friends. And she's like so happy for me because she knew how hard it was for me to like go out there and like meet people. So these issues were already in my head, stuck in my head, these this distrust of other people. Another I got walloped by another life event. this time. Like I said, my mom was a alcoholic with substance issues and the alcoholism was slowly killing her during this time. In high school it was, you know, she'd be in the hospital every now and then. In university she was in the hospital a lot more than just every now and then. So my my time in university was constantly going up and mom 's in the hospital again. We found out from the neighbors that she was taken away in an ambulance

and it was, you know, rough to say the least. And then my dad, my wonderful, wonderful dad, had originally diagnosed with melanoma in high school, and I didn't know what that meant. and never really paid attention. And when I was 21, he was the melonoma came back. And my mom is still alive at this point. This is not my mom, this is my stepmom. When I was 21, he was diagnosed reignized with melanoma in May and he died in September. And this is actually this is actually five days before he died. It was uh on his birthday, my birthday is September 10th, his birthday is September 8th, so we got together for my birthday. Uh and it was all like, oh, you're beating the cancer, awesome, like

we're gonna have our birthday together like we usually do And the next day it just went downhill and he died on September 13th. And my mom was still alive, but not barely so. And then the next year and a half, a year and a half later, we became estranged. I stopped talking to her. I didn't see her for six months before she died. So I was 22. And the years of 22 to 25, I was in and out of deep depression. I these social anxiety issues transformed into panic attacks to the point of where when a panic attack would happen, I would actually start physically hurting myself. Because when your emotional pain is so great What what can you do then cause physical pain to distract yourself from emotional pain?

I've dug myself into this really, really deep hole. And it's really strange looking to myself now at 32, turning 33 in a month. That less than 10 years ago I was a completely different person. I had so many problems like these problems of talking to people, these problems of of being social, problems of having confidence in myself It's this deep hole that I was in that I had to slowly start like climbing out of because I still knew that I I liked to build things. I wanted to to build things for other people to use And this process, I knew I needed to get out of that hole in order to to be up here, to be giving a keynote. So I know these all these like tips I give you where I'm just like, oh yeah, go out and negotiate, spoiler alert, you know, go out and do these things.

I know how hard it is. I know how hard it is. You know, this is the things I've been trying to overcome for the last few years. And FYI, I'll remind you at the end, if you are going through issues like this yourself. if you need someone to talk to, please email me. I'd love to help people out. If you have anxiety issues, you have um panic attacks and whatnot. Like I've been there and I want to help out. So climbing out of this hole, being an advocate for yourself, like having to take life by the reins and and jump off that cliff and do things that are scary. These are the things that these are like the top tips that I've learned over the last few years that have helped me go from that person what I was before to now.

Disclaimer, advice is not one size fits all. The things that I mentioned here like are not going to apply unilaterally to everyone in this audience. My goal is that there's gonna be one thing. You're like, I can use that one thing to improve my life or career. So FYI, if this doesn't apply to you, I totally understand. It's me. This is things that worked out for my life. I really hope that at least one thing works out for you. All right, tip number one. The worst they can say is no. Let's talk about the scariest moment of my career. I, in university, I uh started working at a startup and it was like it wasn't like oh a startup approach me like oh we're a startup it was like guys in a garage and they're like hey we're building this website uh

we need a designer do you want to come work with us I'm like, sure. So we went down to that website and started hacking together out down to that garage and started hacking together. Which is pretty cool, like legit startup. And this this was really fun. We went from the garage, I graduated university, and they moved up to the Bay Area, turned into you know from this like garage bunch of dudes in the garage to like an actual company in the Bay Area And I started working with them full time as a designer and ended up working with them for about four and a half years. And it was just like, these are my friends, like these are people, like we're gonna build this website, this collection of websites It was an online education lead gen company, which is kind of weird, FY. Not the like the sexiest thing to be in, but it was really cool to be with these bunch of these guys.

And We're like we're gonna work on this together, we're gonna build it up. Uh look how far we have come. We're all gonna be walking away with this from this with bucket buckets of money So yeah, I guess I worked them for like four and a half years in total. Around the fourth year, uh I met my future husband. And he kind of changed my life in funny ways, you know, not just the obvious like, oh yeah, we got married typeways. So we sort of we we like uh if anyone knows Andre, so Andre is the author of Eurolib3, he's a Pythoner as well. Eurlib3 is used in requests and pip and all that kind of stuff. So Andre when I first met, if you know him, this is very typical for him.

Somehow in our first dates he wiggled out of me that I like what I was doing, what my job was and how much I was being paid Which is a really weird thing to be talking about on your first days. But this is totally normal for Andre. And he was like, you are being underpaid I was I originally started this job at 40k a year because you know oh we're a startup you know 40k like this is all we can do and then every year at my review they'd always be like oh you know you're awesome 10% raise like this is the max we can do and you got it I'd be like, yeah, I'm awesome. So I think when I met him, I was at $53,000. And I was just like, yeah, I'm making $53,000. He's like, you are being underpaid. I'm like, no, I'm not He's like, yes, you are. And I'm like, it's a startup. And he's like, it doesn't matter. And I'm like, uh, they can't afford more.

And he's like, of sure, of course they can. And then I had like litany, like all these excuses. And so our dating kind of turned into meeting for coffee and we'd walk around the suburbs behind the coffee shop and I would just give him all the excuses about why I shouldn't ask for a raise and then he would just refute every single one of them them yeah true love right and somehow over this time he he broke down all of my excuses about why I shouldn't ask for a raise why I was actually no I mean I was being legit underpaid and he convinced me I needed to go I had fifty three my yearly review was coming up very soon So at 53,000, he convinced me I need to go in there and ask for a raise to 90,000.

That is a gigantic jump. And I've like still to this day I have no idea how he convinced me to actually ask for that because I think that's still scary for me now to go that amount that amount of money So I went into that interview and just like shaking in my boots like I am just like oh this is I am going to get fired like I am breaking all the rules that are set by you know companies for employees And of course that in that uh in that review they were like the same thing before. Ah Tracy, 10% raise, you're awesome, like congratulations you can leave no and I was like well I was like I did some research and I think I'm actually worth

I think the raise was going to be to like sixty thousand or something like that. I was like I should be Be paid 85. Now notice that 85, not 90, the number he convinced me. And I went back to Andre afterwards and I was like, oh I said 85. He was like, I knew you would. That's why I said ninety. Because you were gonna have to cut yourself. This is this is on This is so him. So I said eighty-five and my bosses faces with white And they're like, you need to leave now. Like, not quit. Like not I wasn't fired just yet. But they're like, you need to leave this office and we need to deliberate about this. And so I went back to my desk and I was just like, oh my God. Like, I am so fired. And not like

less than half an hour later, they called me back into their office. And they said, well, we can't do 85, but we can do 82. Which is like, they're gonna offer me 60 and then it went up to 82, and I'm just like, of course I took it Fifty-five percent raise. Wow. Less than an hour later I started doing this. I don't wait. That was too easy. They knew they were underpaying me That's why how that's why it was so easy to get that raise.

They knew that they're underpaying me. And there was no reason for them to ever pay me a market salary, even though they obviously could, until I asked for it. This was like a nuclear explosion in my brain. Like My whole world turned upside down. Learned a very valuable lesson about working in a company is that there is no reason to pay me more unless I asked for it. And things like the max 10% raise are just there by a company to you know, stop you for asking for more, prevent you from asking for more. And thank goodness that Andre came along and helped me out with that. This was such a transformative time in my career to realize that it was up to me to know what I'm worth.

It was up to me. I couldn't rely on this company, these friends that I was working with, these buckets of money that we were all promised each other. I couldn't rely on other people to know what I was worth and pay me that And it taught me that I need to ask for it. And this is super scary. Like I I would much rather just be working at a company and know that I was being taken care of But you can't trust on that. And I understand as a business person. I run Wedding Lovely. I have full-time employees under me. I totally understand the whole like oh crap. I hope they don't ask for a raise because you know the company is stretched really thick I understand it from a business perspective too. I know why they did that. But it taught me that as an employee, I also had to be in charge of myself.

So how do you know how much you're worth? How do you know to take these steps? You know, other than me being up here being like, hey, now you know, now you know the secret Pro tip number two, build a support network. Can't just do this alone. Here's Andre. Yeah. I wish I could be like, you know, I am woman, I did this all on my own, but no, I like it took another person, took this, you know, this awesome dude to tell me that I needed to take these steps I'm glad that he came in my life and like decided to do pry so early on in our dating life to like help me at take this big step and this one step at this like led to me being here running my own business. Like learning this lesson of having to ask and having to like take charge of myself was really crucial for me.

I just wanted to like bring up some resources. Like if you don't have you know, Andre in your life. Some of you do actually. Um but if you don't have Andre in your life, there's a lot of things on the internet that that help you build this support network. The people out there who are totally happy to like second chest I like You know, you can say, you know, here's how much I'm being paid, here's how much I think I'm gonna be worth. People can help you out. People can say, yes, that's the right instinct, that's the wrong instinct. You know, there's email lists Here are Slack groups like DjangoCon. I know you have to take that step of asking for help. I saved this one that was on an email list. someone just says, hey, I got this job, uh, I think the salary is great. Should I negotiate? Spoiler, always negotiate. Like this is a very easy question to respond to.

Like even if this like your initial offer is awesome, you should still ask for a little bit more. And that's what the people said in this email list. They were able to help out this person and give them the advice that they needed to take that step that would potentially affect their career for pretty much the rest of their life In terms of knowing how much you're worth, obviously look at salary aggregators. And you know, there's things like salary. com, payscale. com, glassdoor. com. I wish I did that when I was at this company. I would have realized how underpaid I was. I mean it's still I would have still had those other excuses like, oh we're a startup, oh we can't afford it. That required another person to be like, oh yeah, they can. But it would have been good to at least know when other people were in paid And there's actually, this was a couple years ago, this got really big.

It's died down since then, but it's still happening. People on Twitter and other social media networks talking pay, talking salaries, the talk pay hashtag In FYI, you can talk to your coworkers about salary. If you're under the impression that it is illegal or against the rules, or it's you know it's in your employee handbook where it says, hey, you can't talk to your co-workers about your salary, all those are just things made up by the company to prevent you from talking to each other and then asking for more. They're it's not illegal. You totally can talk and you should talk. Talk to your coworkers. Make sure you're on even footing. And don't wait until you're unhappy to become informed. Like you could be like, I'm when I was at that company, I was totally happy.

And like I would have just continued on as I was. until this other person let me know um where I actually was positioned. So it's worth even if you're happy of where you are yeah do some research make sure that you're you are indeed being paid and then you're able to Ask. That asking part is the hard part. I found this yesterday and immediately put it into this So what you do if you're in a uh yeah right yeah what you do if you're in a um uh a job interview

Pro tip number B point one, always be beeping. Get real poofy. There's a couple books that really did change my life during this time as well. And I know this is a controversial book. I know there's a lot of people out here who don't like this book. I loved it. If you haven't read it, I encourage you to read it, make your own decision. I think Leanin is a really, really good book and it it helped me take those like take those steps of leaning in and then asking and you know making doing negotiation or figuring out where I was in terms of my career and salary and make and being able myself to make those changes. I totally believe that some we can, you know, as women

try to change the world in terms of how we were how it is like the culture, change the culture together while also being advocates. for ourselves. And this book is a really great book for helping your helping you learn to be an advocate for yourself. And this book is magical. If you have not read this book, you should read it. It is great. It is well written. It is a great story and it has such great lessons. Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer or How I Stopped Worrying and Let People Help you know when you have this support network building the support network and people you know who are there to help you you have to let them help you and that sometimes can be a really really hard thing to do. When it comes to feeling confident enough to ask for things

for taking that step of uh putting myself out there and asking for something I need. Something that's helped is practice asking for small things. And you know, there's a lot of like weird marketers out there who who talk about this, like asking for I don't know. You know what I'm talking about. People who like kind of break the rules and they'll like try to get something that benefits them, but like hurts I'm thinking of Tim Ferris and the Sumer. I don't know. Some Tim Ferris things you might know what I'm talking about So where they're like, yeah, you can totally like take the world and then they're kind of being scumbags. Don't be evil. I try to when I try to find small things to ask for in my day-to-day life, I try to find things that benefit me as well as the person whom I I am asking. For example, airplanes. Well, I take a lot of flights.

I spoke at 17 conferences last year, which was pretty baller, and so therefore I was on a plane a plane a lot And about one tenth of the planes I am on, I'm actually not on the plane that I booked. Because say you're here and your plane is leaving at like 5 p. m. and the hotel's kicking you out at 11. So you just go to the airport with your computer and you're like, oh I'll just work until my plane takes off. You get to the airport and there was another flight going to your destination leaving earlier in the day. And you probably saw it when you're booking The flights, and it was probably more expensive, which is why you booked the later one. But now you're at the airport, there's a flight leaving earlier. Walk up to the desk and ask if they can put you on that flight. It works all the time. Oh my gosh. Seriously do this.

It's in the like the um the airlines incentive to put you on an earlier flight if they have room because that means the later flight, you know, something could go wrong. They want to have more seats in that later flight just in case. case. Like it doesn't hurt them really to put you on that earlier flight. And of course it benefits me because now I'm in an earlier flight going home way earlier on a flight that's probably more expensive the book, but I don't have to pay anything Like some like some of the big carriers, American, Delta United, sometimes will ask you to pay an extra change fee, and about 50% of the time, I'll like, oh yeah, uh okay. change fee. Alright, I'll do it. About 50% of the time they're like, eh, wave that for you. It's totally worth asking. It is a really cool you know, if you're traveling a lot and you see that opportunity, you can ask and see if they'll move you to the other flight.

And the worst thing they can say is no So that's one of the ways, that's something I I practice doing whenever I'm flying. And I try to look for other opportunities for me to, I mean, really like uh promote myself, like take advantage of the system, but in a way, if I can ask for ways that will improve my life that also, you know, works out in the other person's favor. Look for those opportunities. The other thing that helps me with asking, with asking for things that that will um uh benefit me is I'll think about what's the worst case scenario. And you have to think about this logically, because the worst case scenario could be, oh, a meteor is gonna fall from the sky and then it's gonna smoosh me and then the world's gonna explode. And like you can go really far with the worst case scenario.

Dial it back think logically what's the actual worst case scenario. Back to the whole salary negotiation thing. The way I look at it for salary negotiation is that There is about a 25% chance. I mean, you know, these are all guesses, but this is how I I really I I really think this is pretty accurate, my my feelings are As there's about a 25% chance of them just being like, sure. You know, one and four chance of them being like, okay, cool, we can do that number. And there's a larger chance, there's a 50% chance that they'll negotiate back. They'll say, let's meet in the middle, like that company did with me. They don't want to say, they want to just like, the people I wish to work with are like master negotiators, so of course they'll never take my offer.

They always try to like save. fairy spy like cutting me down and being like, ah, 52 or 82. And I'm like, okay. Like people are usually gonna meet you in the middle But that leaves like a three-fourths 75% chance of getting a better offer than we had before. So I'm like, that's a risk I totally can take. 75% chance of getting a higher offer But of course there's some negatives. There's like say a one in five chance of them missing no, saying no. Which puts you right back to where you were before. So you know that's a A what 90% chance of either making a higher salary or nothing happening? And then there's the worst case scenario. Like what is the worst case when it comes to a job offer or a salary offer?

And the worst case could be they're like, no, and we're taking the offer away. Like it's it's scary if someone says, okay, I'm offering this job for 50,000, you're like actually 55, you know, there's a chance they're just like, you know what, we don't want to work with you anymore And that's really scary. You don't want that job offer to go away. And that's what stops a lot of people from taking that step in negotiation. So the thing that reassures me in that case. Is would I really want to work for a company with that attitude? It'd be better to suss that out, that they have that attitude about money earlier on than later. So that's kind of how I look at things in life in general. I try to really think about what are the chances of something going right for me, what are the chances of something going wrong, what's that worst case scenario, and if that worst case scenario happened.

How would I react to it? So with salary negotiation, it's all positives. It's either gonna be a no, a yes, and if it's a hor horrific like response like there was in the offer, I don't want to work with them anymore. ways. And so that reassures me, reassures me and helps me take that really scary step of asking for more money. Some general negotiation/slash asking tips. Really quickly, if you're negotiating money, this works for salaries. This works if you have a company and you're raising money. Try not to give the first number yourself Yeah, let the other person do the number. Resist the urge. They're like, oh, what were you making in your last job? Be like, I don't think that's relevant or something You know, try not to give that number. They're trying to get you to say your number so they can be like, hey, we gave you a five percent boost.

Whereas if you didn't give a number, they might have given you a 10 to 15% And in any asking situation, when you're asking for money, d uh uh fundraising, asking to e-switch planes, how to switch planes, uh don't undercut yourself. Keep the request brief. I have a tendency to babble. I try not to do that. Or it's just like you're asking for you know earlier flight and you're like, I I see there's a flight open and I have an important thing at home and this meeting I need to get to and so I was like kind of hoping that you can move me to this earlier flight because that would be really awesome. It would help my cat or something like that, you know? You just like keep going It's much better just be like, I see there's a flight available. Uh is there I'm on the later flight.

Is there any way I can be on this earlier flight? And stop Or, you know, uh, thank you for your offer of 80,000. I think I'm worth 85. Stop. Like, don't babble. I can go on for ages about this. Ask me more about it. More about it later. In general, negotiation does not mean you're a mean person or selfish. You're just asking for something better and this this reassures me when I need to to take that step and ask for more This is why I love DjangoCon. That support network, the people out there that can help you make these ask or tell you where you are in terms of salary or career.

This is such a great place to meet. other people. That leads me into my next big tip because if you're someone with anxiety or social anxiety or me, you know, walk into a room with strangers and your brain is yelling at you like these people are my enemies and they all hate me, like If you're like me, it's really, really scary to come into a place like this. My next pro tip is to make one meaningful connection at events. You don't have to meet everybody, just make one. My very first conference ever was South by Southwest in 2008. This is deep into my being scared about people face And someone had told me, someone like a a mentor when I was in school

told me that if I wanted to make it into tech, I needed to go to South by Southwest. And I went to this job, this job that I, you know, the whole story about money was from And none of them were really interested in going out and meeting other people. I asked them, I was like, oh, there's this conference. And they're like, we're not doing that. And I took the really scary step. I took the really scary step of deciding to take that person's advice, bought the plane ticket, bought the hotel room, and I flew this off by Southwest, knowing no one And that first conference was largely me walking into like an after party, seeing everyone in little groups talking to each other, going, huh, and then running away. I was like everyone is talking to each other. I can't like jump into those groups.

Every like everyone has their friends and I'm here on my own. And so I just sit in my hotel room. On the plane back, I go into the sessions, I still had a good time. I was like, oh that's cool, but I was largely alone for the entire event. On the plane back, found some people who were at South by Southwest, you know, and we're going back to the same area, which is kind of cool And we got to talking and we became friends on the plane. And those people in the Bay Area. Like from then I met more people and then I more met more people and it's like a direct line from those people in that plane to where I am right now in my career. Like just person to person to person to event to event. event event. Like meeting those people just like changed my career.

I still have anxiety events and there's a few things that I use nowadays to help me, you know, walk into that crowded uh after party room where we're talking to each other and go out and try to make that connection see if there's that person in there that's going to change my career in my life This is what I did earlier on. I haven't done this in a few years. Earlier on, Andre, same dude that I talked about before, uh, we would go to a lot of events in the Bay Area, a lot of tech events that are there. And we would um we kind of turn into a game. So instead of walking to a room being like, okay, now I need to go mingle for you know 30 minutes and you don't really have a purpose It we didn't have like rules. There wasn't like any like you have to talk to this many people.

There was nothing like set in stone. But the agreement was is that we would split up, not with each not be with each other, because sometimes that's kind of like you know handhold holding, uh, holding me back with meeting people. We had split up, talk to people, and then when we came back, we had to tell each other like who we met and why they were cool. And changing it from this like weird, meaningless activity of like walking to a room and just trying to chat people for half an hour before you can leave, turning that from that to, okay, I need to go meet someone Uh and then because I'm gonna have to report back to Andre and then we're gonna split up again and go meet my other person and then come back together. It just switched something in my brain It made it easier for me to just walk up to people and be like, hey, I'm Tracy, nice to meet you 'cause I had to do that. Like it was more of a game instead of just this weird like social

activity. And it really helped me like get the confidence to start breaking into groups of people and just like saying my name and meeting them. And this is what I do nowadays. This is like this social anxiety, I was at PHP Tech earlier this year. And like I've been doing all these conferences. I think I've come so far in my life. And PHP, I don't know PHP. It was a completely new environment for me. Didn't have any friends there. And I did that thing where I walked into the after party and I was like, oh my God, there's all those feelings again They're not, they haven't gone away. In that case, what I do nowadays is I, again, instead of just meaningless activity of going into a room of people and trying to meet people and not having a purpose I tell myself that I cannot leave until I've made one meaningful connection.

Like it's not just like meet five people or just like talk to five people. Like in one meaningful connection might sound a little scary because you might be like, oh, I could talk to like 10 people and they can all suck. But I find that just one person, and it's actually easier when I do it. It's actually easier to meet someone someone where I'm like, oh, I'm glad I met that person. And then I'm like, cool, I can leave now. I made that one connection. But it's like changed events for me. It's made it so I continue to network even when I'm feeling scared. way, you know, give networking events a little bit more purpose. The other thing, the last thing that really helps me out with events. As I really, it's really hard nowadays, I really try to to tell myself that 99% of people are awesome. Now it's a really big number.

Uh you might be like I looked at Twitter today and it's pretty obvious that people are not awesome. Like 1% of people is actually a pretty pretty big number number. It took me forever on the plane to draw, even though it's just happy faces and the person next to me is like what is she doing? But you know there's like say 350 people here. I think that's how many people are a con that leaves like three and a half people who suck you know so I'm sorry if that's you let me know but that also leaves like over 300 people who are awesome And when I look at Twitter and there's people I know that social media amplifies negative, horrible people. I just try to tell myself that they are being amplified and that the vast majority of people

in the world are people just trying to make their way, that are nice people. They don't have to agree with me. We can have completely different values, but they can still be a what I say, an awesome person. It makes it easier for me to be around people. It makes events less scary. I have to really, really internalize this, that people are going to be more good than bad. You know, because I'm fighting against that brain instinct. that people hate me. Non-techways, there's been a really big non-tech way that helped me like renew my faith in people. I do a lot of outdoorsy. Hello. Bad speaker. Turn your phone off.

All right, it's on silent now. All right. I do a lot of outdoorsy events. Um a couple few years ago I took I decided to uh hey run away from tech. into that in a second. Run away from tech and do the John Muir Trail in California. It's 200 something miles and did it by myself because I couldn't figure out find anyone else who was willing to go run around for three weeks in the wilderness with me me. And I was like, that's not gonna stop me. I really gotta get away from the computer. So I'm just gonna go do this hike. And it's a lot of people were like Whoa, you did that on your own? You did that on your own as a woman? Like wasn't that scary? You know, you look at that's the movie Wild, yes I've seen it. I've seen the movie Wild. I've read the book. It kind of drives me nuts.

I actually do not like the book. Um I don't know. It it made I feel like there yeah, yeah, you talk to me about it later. I had a great experience. People on the trail became my family. People found out that I was on my own and without me asking. People were trying to take care of me. People were checking up on me. I felt so safe on this trip. It was amazing. These are some people I met on the trail when I was there. These were my besties. You know, this is two weeks in too. Cool. Like the thing with backpacking is like you say you're at a restaurant here and you see a people a group of people at a table, you can't just like sit down next to them and be like, hey, I'm Tracy. They'd be like, what are you doing? Why are you at my seat? But with backpacking, if you're on like a long trip like this, specific crest trail, anything, you walk into a restaurant, you see a group of backpackers all sitting around a table, and you can tell who they are because they're the ones who are really dirty and

sneaky. And you just like walk up to them, sit down, being dirty and sneaky yourself and be like, hi, I'm Tracy. And you're like, hey, hey, how's it going? And you just like make new friends. And that's like that's why I did the entire trail as a sailor first time. Just like went from table to table meeting people, walked with people some days, camped with people other days, and like got or like really got over that fear of just like meeting strangers and then trusting them And in the backpacking world is a little bit different than the real world, because again, you can't do that, really. But this is one of those things that kind of really helped me become more outgoing. And like I said, remember that social media makes awful people like more common. Uh I again

I try to tell myself that anything awful I see on social media, there's that one percent of people that I don't like and then I can move on my life and try to reassure myself that there's still awesome people fighting those awesome people. You know what I'm talking about. And it's also important to get to this point to be the support network for others. You know, while finding a support network for people to help you, it's important to give back. And I don't mean that in a completely altruistic way. Selfish secret selfish secrets. When you help other people, if you're helping someone with negotiation and you're telling them, hey, you know, you shouldn't Don't ever take that first don't take that first offer you can always negotiate more. When I give that advice, it makes it more likely to take that

for me to take that advice later. Like I help people, I'm totally selfish. I help people to help myself out in the future It helps remind me the things I need to do. You know, when someone's buttons on the line when it comes to negotiation, it's totally easy for me to give them the advice they need to hear. And the more I give that advice, it is easier for me to take it down the line. So of course, help people become the support network for others because that's what you should do and be good people and and help each other out but if you also want another reason to do so um remember that helping people to code helping people uh with support questions Helping someone negotiate a job offer is going to improve yourself as well.

Last but not least, take breaks as needed. There is this weird like stigma against people taking breaks. uh to Kim and you're saying you're taking your first your first vacation soon after a year and I was like hell yes because that's what we need to do. We need to like Take you can just run away and take a huge break and turn off tech and don't worry about people judging you. When I did the John Your Trail, I was actually in the middle of fundraising for my startup That's kind of the worst situation to run away from tech. But also for my mental health, it's when I really did need to run away because oh my god, fundraising is awful. Don't uh So I was like

I I didn't tell anyone I didn't announce it on Twitter I didn't do anything I put Andre on my email to respond as me if someone's like hey Tracy where are you Andre's like oh I've been here this whole time In the meanwhile, I'm running around the wilderness for three weeks. I've done this um a few times over the last few years. A year and a half ago, I went to a surfing retreat for three weeks in Costa Rica. This makes me look awesome, which is why I love this photo. But believe me, it's because I only look awesome because I'm on land I am the worst surfer in the world. Three weeks was not enough. Like look at me, look how awesome I look. Yeah, there's nothing on me and on a board because that doesn't exist. But

this has been like key for my life, especially as I've I've gone like way far into the whole like I have to promote myself world by having a startup and writing books and putting myself in this situation where I just constantly have to self-promote and work against these like feelings that my brain had built up from age zero to 26. Every now and then I get completely overwhelmed. And then I turn off all electronics and tech and computers and not just like a week, I run off for like three to four weeks. Uh I'm lucky I can do that too. That's another reason why I work for myself. And even when I do this, I'm always there's always this voice in my head that's like, what if someone judges me for walking away? Like what if someone's like, Tracy has a book to promote and why is she just like running around Costa Rica surfing when she really should be promoting her book.

But no one does that. It's just my brain. That's just my brain yelling at me. you know, running off and doing something really physically challenging. Um, breaks don't have to be I don't have recommend everyone to go on the John Year Trail. It could just be stepping away from Twitter for a little little bit get away from negativity and the things that are going on, especially right now, which is kind of frustrating. You can step away From tech, take the breaks you need. Don't burn yourself out. Um, I think we all know this, but it's still hard to to do yourself. You know, hey, again, that selfish secret. The more I tell you to take breaks, the easier it is for me to take breaks. breaks.

But seriously, step away from tech if you need a bit. Don't feel like you have to be always on all the time. It's really important for mental health and this is something that's helped me a lot with things like In conclusion, you are your own best advocate. Uh I It's it's awesome if the world comes together and supports you and that's it happens a lot and that's why I say 99% of people are awesome. But in the end, uh watch out for your own opportunities, watch out for uh Things that you need to do. It's hard to say that you have to make that effort, especially as you know, like I s I was shy and had a lot of self-anxiety um to take that step. But really

you are your own best advocate. Take care of yourself first. Remember the ask. Ask for what you need. And the worst they can say is no. Remember there's more awesome people than terrible. I like you can disagree with me. I know a lot of people do disagree with me. Um this is something I have to remember in order to survive really in this world world. And I hope it helps you. I hope I can help. I truly believe this and I hope that I can help y'all feel the same way. Build a support network. You know, you are your own best advocate, but it's always easier to go as a group and to have a group around you. So build that support network, ask the people, ask for help when you need it

And be the support network. Be the support network for others. Again, it's a good thing to do just in terms of our community and our and our world, but also it's going to help you in the long run as well. And take breaks as needed. Yeah, I talked about some of my background and Like any of this talk, like one of the one of my few delights in life is when someone messages me and says, hey, that helped me, or someone messages me and they say, hey, I have a question, or I'm going through this problem, or I just want to rant Like please, I love getting these messages. I respond to every email I get. Um follow, you can DM me, my DMs are open at Lime Daring. Uh you can email me, tracy at Lime Daring. com or any of the various email addresses that are on all my websites.

I'm sure you can figure it out. out but please if you if you need someone to talk to I love to help and thank you everyone here it has been an honor Thank you. I shall shoot. Thank you. Last self-promotion thing, because I have to do it because I'm a self-promoter. Remember, I have a book coming up called Hello Web Design. It's to help teach design to programmers.

I think it's gonna be awesome. It's gonna come out within one month or two. They like completely out paperback and everything. And hello web app, hello webapp. com. Please use it. It's free online. You can still buy the books. You know, these are my books. I hope you read them. And thank you again